Loyalty Schemer Pillows

'My wife's left me for a man with more Nectar points...'

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Well, I finally figured out why we were going to the vet so often for check ups! He finally plucked up the courage to ask her out!"

Sports Fan - Whoever's Winning

"If anyone should ask, I was in my doggy bed from 7 p.m. to midnight. Understand?"

'I applied the instant rebate and the returning customer loyalty reward, so that comes to fifty cents.'

'You cal it loyalty, we call it Stockholm Syndrome!'

"I hate to break it to you, but you weren't his best friend."

"This is as far as your air miles take you."

'Fetching your slippers when you were chairman of the board was one thing, but now that you're an ordinary citizen...'

"I just got a Trump alert with my discount code off my next purchase of Trump baseball caps."

"How does it feel to be a fink, Sparky?"

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

The whole club stands behind the coach...

Valentine Comix

'I'm getting ready for mating season.'

A hunter has a dream that his dog has brought a game warden to punish him.

'Everywhere that Mary went, I was sure to go. Now, I follow her son...'

Boy standing on 'The Joy of Sex' book.

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

'So! THis is what you do all day.'

'It's not exactly 'cheap' healthcare, but for each test we run, you accumulate frequent-test reward points.'

"I'm beginning to wonder if McDonald and his dog were quite as close as we were led to believe."

Robert Macaire as a Matrimonial Agent

STRIP *The Fan * Thinking of ditching Coventry City

Agent with security case proposes to girlfriend with ring that has a tiny security case chained to it.

Fake it with Flowers.

My latest invention is genius. It's an affinity card for our best customers. That's not a new idea. Airlines, rental car agencies, hotels … They all have loyalty programs where you can earn discounts and special treatment. Spare me. Ours has a way better name: The Cafe Exclusive VIP Premier Executive Best Customer Reward Program. And we don't trouble customers with confusing discounts and benefits. All hail the VIP premier cheapskate.

"I can deal with the bi-racial and bi-lingual stuff, but one parent is a Mets fan and the other is a Yankee fan."

"The person who gets this job must demonstrate a sincere willingness to go down with the ship."

"So, if you could date anyone, who would it be?"

"This is Mr. Simmons, who we enticed away from our chief competitor. Of course, being a proven traitor, he can never be trusted."

The key to a successful customer loyalty program is to make people feel special. Watch and learn. How would you like to join our exclusive VIP Premier Exclusive Best Customer Reward Program? The other key is knowing whom to ask. There's minestrone in your eye.

'Is it wrong to accept a loyalty card from more than one supermarket, Father?'