Lover Of Witty Comebacks Pillows

'Where have you been all my life?'

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'Answer me one question, would you?' 'O.K.' 'Do you still love me?' 'That's two!'

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

'What are you implying?'

G.K. Chesterton.

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

'I would go to the end of the world for you.' - 'Yes, but would you stay there?'

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

"Look, I'm bored, you're bored – why don't you let me go down there and shake things up a bit?"

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

Not Such A Fool As He Looks.

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

'You look lovely today.'

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

"I'm keeping you back after school!"

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

"The book ends are for people who like to read between the lions."

"No offense..."

'My homework? Why, at home.'