Lover Of Witty Comebacks Pillows

'Where have you been all my life?'

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

'Why are you so obnoxious?' 'Heredity!'

'Answer me one question, would you?' 'O.K.' 'Do you still love me?' 'That's two!'

"The Loyalty Card program has changed. Management now requires you to get a Loyalty Forehead Tattoo of the bar's logo."

"Where are all the hecklers? I have some great rejoinders."

'What are you implying?'

G.K. Chesterton.

'We dicovered that this cures hypochondria without administering it.'

"What keeps me going? The tightening feeling in my chest that if I stop, I'll die."

"What?! You didn't say nuthin' about this bein' a yo' mam joke battle!"

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

"Does it occur to you that the only thing separating us is a basket of bar snacks? And a flimsy basket at that?"

Home Business - Wife.

"Hey, David...what's a five letter noun for someone I couldn't live without...oh yeah, kitty!"

'I would go to the end of the world for you.' - 'Yes, but would you stay there?'

"Look, I'm bored, you're bored – why don't you let me go down there and shake things up a bit?"

Salmon swimming up-stream, "Don't you get tired of overcoming obstacles"

"I came here because my photography work is suffering - everybody on social media says they love my abstract pictures. The problem is, I do landscape pictures."

Penny for your lack of thoughts.

'You look lovely today.'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

Not Such A Fool As He Looks.

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

"Gee, I just love the British dry sense of humor!"

"I'm keeping you back after school!"

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

"No offense..."

Peter Dinklage