Lover Of The Bizarre Gifts

This week in tentacles

"Hello Ma'am! Have you ever looked at other shark owners and thought 'Why not me?'..."

'Wake up - the dolphin has stolen our palm tree'

"Mr. Jerry Springer - have I got something for you!"

Business man enters office, clicks light and then the room disappears.

Man with mousey nose running a health food store

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

Apple Pie Abduction

"He was a sea rescue."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Extreme Sisyphus

"Now you can send it."

Humans Queue To Use Portable Toilet While Dogs Queue To Use Tree Portable Toilet

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

A convenient attack of swine flu...

ESP pizza: You'll get it before you order it or it's free!

'Your Honor, we've decided to go with the inanity defense...'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

Operation.

'I predict that the next big trend will be spontaneous non-existence.'

Baseball.

UFO and snowman

"What a way to go."

Route 666.

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Let us recall the parable of Jesus turning the other tentacle."

'I've made a radio using coconuts, salt water, and a trout.'

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"