Lovelorn Analysts Gifts

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

'I've been coming to Kindergarten every day for two weeks!-- When do I get paid?'

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'My outer self loves your inner self, but my inner self can't stand your outer self.'

Lover's leap and Infatuation leap.

The Human Condition

'According to the latest data, our social media post rankings are staying fairly consistent with consumers, hovering just below cat shaming memes.'

'Water into wine is certainly impressive. D'you do water into petrol?'

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

"Surely two people as intelligent as we are can work out some method of falling in love."

'Love is a subconscious recognition of matching neuroses.'

"That reminds me of the time Hamlet and I – did I mention I knew Hamlet? – Hamlet and I..."

"Well, it's official. This household is definitely in a recession."

The Relentlessly Jovial & Obnoxious Sales-People.

Pitching guidelines

"Are we maximizing our time together or minimizing our efforts?"

'Stocks today remained unchanged, on news the rich are getting richer, and the poor poorer, at approximately the same rate...'

Marriage Guidance - "Do you find that hating each other puts a strain on your relationship?"

"Have you ever considered putting all your icky thoughts in a little box and keeping them there?"

"Sorry, but she says she's not interested. She just wants to play the field."

'Find out if she would have like me if I hadn't asked so many people.'

'We're foreclosing on your home, in addition to defriending you on Facebook.'

"We don't have any chemistry. It's more like an allergic reaction!"

"Whew, I'm glad it's a jobless recovery."

"Well, after we talked last summer, you never called me. I figured you lost interest."

A couple look at a graph on their bed

"In the future, everyone's going to stop talking about being famous for fifteen minutes."

"I just broke up with my boyfriend. He said if I really loved him, I would get a job and help him buy a car."

'It's not so much a triangle-more a hexagon really.'

Kindly readers, we are currently exploring a sensitive aspect of modern dating: The unrequited cellphone message. Two hours ago, Rudy left such a message for his girlfriend, Laurel, and she has yet to call him back. In another era, this would not necessarily be cause for concern. But with portable phones, some believe a delayed response might be a message of its own. She almost certainly left me for Larry Kudlow. Or her battery's out.

2017 hands a new crisis to 2018

"Let's do it, let's fall in love."

"Don't think of them as terrorist states. Think of them as terrorist markets."

'You must be mistaken, Mrs Gosling, our Mister Gosling assured me last night that he was single and carefree....'