Lovelorn Laugh-seeker Gifts

'Your wife got the house, but I did manage to get you custody of the mortgage payments.'

Sympathetic nursing will work wonders

Bad fake tan day.

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

"That'll be five bucks."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

The only time cats are known to laugh.

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"Just because we're hyenas doesn't mean we always have to get Laughing Cow cheese."

Clown's Comedy Fart.

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

'Ben just fired my ten guage goose gun. He should be coming back this way any minute now.'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

"What did Jesus order?"

Wet Cement. Always the joker, aren't you, Ernie?

'No Fred, this one is one me!'

"I'm not a doctor, but I don't think the problem is with your bladder, Bob."

"Projectile hairballing."

Drunk Barber

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

he used to belong to a cartoonist

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'When Johhny told everyone he was going to be a comedian they all laughed...'

"Why don't I clang some utensils, make 3 grilled cheese sandwiches and we call it an early night?"

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

'Because I'm so sick of those movies, now go get me a romantic comedy.'

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

"I've always wanted to do this - 'knock, knock...who's there?'"

Bald Man Overcomb

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

Football heads...

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'Ha, ha! But seriously folks...'

'Tropical fruit, imported cheese, coconuts...I'm not really into that 'eat locally' stuff.'