Lottery Hopeful Gifts

'Congratulations. You're our 15th caller. The grant is yours!'

"Five years down the line I see myself winning the lottery."

Comparing lottery odds with bus punctuality.

Down to earthworms.

"Ever have days when you just feel like winning the lottery and quitting?"

'Read the top line out loud. I need to check my lottery numbers.'

'My story? I was phoning my boss when I thought the sweepstake's people were at my door and I told him to take his job and shove it.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'I was close to winning the pools this Saturday. The bloke next door won.'

"He's never won a tenner on the lottery before!"

"Tonight's lotto numbers are..."

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

Bribes for Jabs

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."

"Life's a lottery - That's why you need balls"

'I know the answer. I just need a moment to come to grips with it.'

'Joe has been partying hard!'

"Well, it's been nice. And obviously the £10 million win hasn't change you. . . . A mug of tea an' a couple garibaldies - as tight as ever!"

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

Why do you hate the media?

'Floppo' lottery rebranding

The president of a company see a sign: While you were out we hit the lottery!

'I'm sorry, Bob, it wasn't you who won the mega-pool. It was Helen in accounting.' (to man mooning boss).

Highlights for Adults

"Have you been scratching this?"

Lottery - come back to eat here 20 times and you will win million dollar in lottery.

"It's lotto fever."

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

Snacks. Food. Drinks. Win! Play! LOTTO here! I changed my name to "Lottery Ticket" and hang out here. It's a great place to get scratched!

'So glad we ticked the no publicity box.'

Eurozone leaders reach consensus. . .

Happy Meals for Grown Ups

'This should be good. He just won the lottery!'

'At least someone can afford to travel by train.'

'Congratulations! You've just won ten million dollars!'