Longevity Humor Fan Gifts

"I come from a family of long livers."

"Why bother?"

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

The Age of Reptiles. . .

"Haven't you wondered why I live about 50 years longer thank you?"

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'Of course I want a short back and sides. I've only got a back and sides.'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

Adam and Eve, as old people.

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'Do I remember pre-decimal coinage?I remember pre-Tudor coinage!'

You can't get what up

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Birthday To-Do List

My philosophy ... If you can't beat 'em, outlive 'em.

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"Day 19,918: Once again, Gary cannot believe he's still alive."

A senior moment.

David Blaine, Age 60

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

"What's your earliest memory, Sadie?" "You can not get under my skin, loser." "Maybe I can help you figure it out: were people wearing powdered wigs, or were they wearing togas?" "Did they live in primitive huts, or in trees?" "I'm not listening!" "Were they standing upright, or swimming in a primordial sea?" "You're about to be swimming in primordial soup."

"He's one hundred and five years old and I think it's disgusting!"

That's Seven in Human Years

"That's Ms Pitt. She's been entrenched on high alert at the front desk for 42 years."

Did You Know That...Scientists in Illinois, USA, claim we would live a longer life if we were more like elves?

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"We're just pleased he can still get into the Christmas spirit."

'Well, I retired at 55: 75 years ago as of last June...'

"Mrs. Walsh? Oh, good ... you’re still alive."

'According to Methuselah, life begins at 794.'

"I never thought you'd live to be 90 either. By the way, you're only 67."

'Life is too long not to worry.'

The whole "lasts longer" thing isn't really necessary here in eternity.

'I need a low dose of Viagra please doctor. . .I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't wee on my shoes.'

"Phew! You're ripe! What's that brown spot?"