Long-term Marriage Gifts

'I just realized something dear, every single thing you do drives me absolutely insane... oh well, probably too late to do anything about it now. Well, nighty night.'

"Well, old girl, this is the third act. What, if anything, do we have up our sleeve?"

"Don't you think after thirty years of marriage you could stop referring to me as 'the military'?"

"Our records indicate you should be in hell. But since you’ve been married for forty years we’ll count that as time served."

'You were married to him for 40 years. He never once mentioned he was having his head cryogenically frozen?'

'I love to remember times long, long ago...' 'And I was far, far away.'

"We've been married for forty years. Haven't you had enough sex yet?"

'I can't believe it - fifty years married and all I've ever been is Plan B!'

Senior Discontent.

'I suppose I'm bound to have a few laugh lines. I've been married to this clown for thirty years!'

"Well, if you're out there 'slaving over a got every every day', how come you never notice the food burning?"

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"Ooooooh, just what I wanted!"

Reading the sports pages.

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"Want to deal with some unresolved issues or just get another movie."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"You kept me awake all night, grinding your gums."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

"I'll bet there's a story there."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'You have to do something...My husband just doesn't look at me the way he used to.'

'Silly thing, of course I still find you repulsive.'

"It's chirp, chirp, chirp time again, isn't it?"

"We should never have committed binary fission!"

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Yes, you've taught me a thing or two - but over twenty-plus years that's not much."

It's not always a good idea for two contrarians like you to be together. You hear that, you old battle-axe? Yeah, I hear that, you old coot. That'll be $150.

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"Are you still mad at me?" "Mentally I'm storming off right now."

"I hunt, she gathers, but we always get together for cocktails at five."

"Martin, did we ever get our freak on?"