Little Opportunist Gifts

'I follow my dad's stocks so I know when to ask for an allowance increase.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

Jeff's Smorgasbord

'When will I be old enough to have my own people?'

"Take the picture, dam it, take the picture!"

3 cents glass - Exact change please, seller can't count.

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

"Thanks again, kid!"

'We're going to take a financial risk.'

'He's soccer mad! Ever since he did his first sums he's wanted to be a players' agent.'

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

War on drugs... war on terror... war on lima beans.

"The good news is, the children in the district have strong writing skills. The bad news is, we have sustained a letter-writing campaign from the third grade."

"With the Suzuki method, they start them campaigning as early as three or four."

"Whoever said there ain't no such thing as a free lunch obviously has never circled around a highway."

It's time for a corporate shakeup. You squeeze, I'll stir.

Origins of the 'Beard Of Bees'.

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

"I have yet to turn a profit, but I have no trouble getting funding from my parents."

"I don't really believe in the tooth fairy anymore, but if it pays, I play!"

'I quit the ice cream stand last year. Now I'm double dipping.'

"My reasons for asking for a raise are wholly unselfish. I wish to marry your daughter!"

'We have something with terrific fringe benefits. No salary - just fringe benefits.'

Dye now, pay later!

Bush's Hacker

"Papi, I'm writing my resume!"

'When one trap door closes, another opens.'

'One day you'll be able to 'sack' a football manager.'

"I trademarked my name, so now you'll need to pay me to use it."

"It's not the grant we expected, but it's better than a kick in the pants."

Hotel checkout.

'I thought I'd copy my C.V. while the boss is out of the office!'

'No. Why should I give you my autograph?. You'll only sell it on eBay!'

Instant winner trash can

"I called them to ask for a raise!"