Literary Skeptics Gifts

The Early Bird

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

'This book thing, Mum, where do I plug it in?'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"We'll always have Paris. I backed it up on a zip drive."

'He has no romance. For special occasions, he gives me a coupon for a card and chocolates that will be 50% off the next day.'

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"And you're telling me this because?"

'Never, Ever...believe everything you read.'

Clever youth stating that he considers Shakespeare overrated

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

"Not on my watch..."

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"And where exactly is Timbuktu?"

"I just wanted to tell you how much I love that you don't have a podcast."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

"He's the guy I'm interested in. He's just not the kind of guy I'm interested in."

"I've never been what you'd call an 'ethics head.' "

Two sea otters with smartphones