Literary Skeptics Gifts

The Early Bird

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

"God works in mysterious ways."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

'This book thing, Mum, where do I plug it in?'

Look! This says that space aliens have landed and have taken over control of the earth. Boy that's a load off my mind!

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

"We'll always have Paris. I backed it up on a zip drive."

"And you're telling me this because?"

Clever youth stating that he considers Shakespeare overrated

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

'Never, Ever...believe everything you read.'

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

'He has no romance. For special occasions, he gives me a coupon for a card and chocolates that will be 50% off the next day.'

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Not on my watch..."

"I just wanted to tell you how much I love that you don't have a podcast."

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"He's the guy I'm interested in. He's just not the kind of guy I'm interested in."

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

Two sea otters with smartphones

"I've never been what you'd call an 'ethics head.' "