Lineup Laugher Gifts

"It's amazing how they manage to endure despite all the lineup changes."

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The breakup

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

'Just a little off the top.'

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

"Listen, if this takes much longer I'll be late for work and I'll be a dead man!"

Coast to coast.

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

Jury Bribes.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

'The computer must be on the blink if it sent a questionnaire to him!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

"And here we have a very rare and unusual piece titled 'The Last Remaining Open Seat.'"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'I would definitely say I'm a 'type A' personality.'

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

Escaping surgery.

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'

'Well I'll be damned, you got me on a technicality.'

"You bite me again and I'll sue."

"That's OK. I'll get the next one."

'I don't teach my students about the Bill of Rights any more -- it just makes them unruly.'