Light-hearted Friends Gifts

"Hemorrhoids. Any other questions?!"

Get crazy once in a while

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

Shall I be mother?

"FREEDOM!!!"

"Why, Mr. Conly, I do believe you're trying to get me hydrated."

Preachers with far too much input

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'I'm looking for something not too heavy.'

'Does that mean my reflexes are GOOD then, doctor?'

"It's face painting Friday."

The World Ends Today!: 'Never mind, dear- better luck tomorrow!'

'I know you got nine lives, but do you have to eat for all of them?'

"You haven't had sex since 1959? You shouldn't complain - it's only ten past eight now..."

'... and do you, Linda, promise to look up the word 'fellatio' in the dictionary?'

'I'm not applauding your lovemaking, I'm trying to turn off the lights.'

Golf ball escaping.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Hey! Those things aren't toys, you know.'

"Yes, Gramps, we agreed to follow 'until death do us part' with the caveat that we might be placed in separate wings of the assisted living facility."

'Don't feel too badly about your post, I used to work for the News of the World.'

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

Transporting helium balloons in mid air.

"Mother said she started toward the light but she's so bad with directions that she made a couple wrong turns and had to turn back."

"Getting older isn't so bad when you consider the only alternative..."

"Don't eat so fast"

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obediance School instead...'

"Wrong hole!"

"Someone stole my anti-depressant pills. I hope they're happy now!"

"Don't go to the light, Ned!"