Light-hearted Friends Gifts

"Hemorrhoids. Any other questions?!"

"This stool shall pass."

Get crazy once in a while

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

Shall I be mother?

"FREEDOM!!!"

Preachers with far too much input

"Why, Mr. Conly, I do believe you're trying to get me hydrated."

'Well - how has everyone wasted time and energy today?'

'Fancy a good time - no strings attached?'

'I'm looking for something not too heavy.'

"It's face painting Friday."

'Does that mean my reflexes are GOOD then, doctor?'

The World Ends Today!: 'Never mind, dear- better luck tomorrow!'

I say when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade

'I know you got nine lives, but do you have to eat for all of them?'

"Yes, Gramps, we agreed to follow 'until death do us part' with the caveat that we might be placed in separate wings of the assisted living facility."

'Hey! Those things aren't toys, you know.'

'... and do you, Linda, promise to look up the word 'fellatio' in the dictionary?'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

Golf ball escaping.

'I'm not applauding your lovemaking, I'm trying to turn off the lights.'

'Don't feel too badly about your post, I used to work for the News of the World.'

"You haven't had sex since 1959? You shouldn't complain - it's only ten past eight now..."

"You just had to ask him how he was doing, didn't you?"

Transporting helium balloons in mid air.

"Mother said she started toward the light but she's so bad with directions that she made a couple wrong turns and had to turn back."

Yes, I'll be your insignificant other.

"Don't eat so fast"

Man on desert island asks for a lighter rather than a rescue.

"Wrong hole!"

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obediance School instead...'

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

"Getting older isn't so bad when you consider the only alternative..."

"Don't go to the light, Ned!"