Life Support Satire Gifts

"He's on life support. Mostly support."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"I give up. Where's the patient?'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Don't worry. We still have a few more treatment options available.'

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."

How To Make A Pigs Ear Out Of Swine Flu.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

'If you begin to feel unwell, start or stop taking aspirin...'

New from Lockdown Press

Eye, ear, nose, throat and loans to pay the bills.

The NHS begins using outside contractors for routine operations.

"Tell me Mr. Jones. Does it hurt when I do this?"

"Gorg, you've got to let yourself evolve!"

Hospital porter leaving brain behind

"On a scale of 1-10, how painfully awkward is this?"

"I'm afraid you have a slow, painful, terminal disease, so I'm sending you to a hospital where you can catch a quicker one."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Just think of all the cigarettes I could have smoked."

"It'll need a carburettor transplant, a right wing panel augmentation, and an engine oil transfusion... Maybe you should consider euthanasia."