Legal Laugh Specialist Pillows

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"He'll only talk when his lawyer's present."

A baby in court

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

"My next witness is his Google Assistant."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

Judge chasing fly with gavel.

'Hello. Law offices of Anderson, Avery, Baer, Barton, Baston, Caggly, Cooper ... drat, who comes after Cooper?'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

"First, admit no harm."

All together now! Let's sing our decision!

Prosecutor's Office. The judge threw out the confession --- He said it was coerced. You violated the duress code!

'Do you mean LAWYER?'

"I can assure you, Your Honor, that my client knocked over the liquor store with the best of intentions."

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''

"We find the defendant guilty on all charges, Your Honor. On the positive side, we really liked his openness and energy."

"My client claims the verdict discriminates against guilty people."

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'It all started when I told him I resented people calling lawyers assholes, because I'm an asshole.'

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"When I said I wanted him for the firm 'dead or alive' the emphasis was on 'alive'."

'...please instruct the puppet to remain silent and let the witness answer for himself.'

'Overruled. Now answer the question. We could all use a good laugh.'

Judge Duels

"After all, it is a frivolous lawsuit..."

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'Before your honor passes sentence, is the anything my client could do for extra credit, if you know what I mean?'

"Well, I made you a job offer and you accepted. I guess the only thing left is for me to read you your Miranda rights."

Barrister defending a criminal