Legal Laughers Pillows

'Aren't you going to add a disclaimer?'

'I gotta admit - this 'jury by my peers' idea of yours is looking pretty good.'

'Your honor, we the jury have looked really hard out the window all day and would like to go home.'

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

"It was 'im wot ruffled me bonce, judge, as I was politely getting into 'is car."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

"He belongs to a lawyer."

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

Baby's first words.

'Insofar as all parties have agreed to mediation, I've taken the liberty of hiring a medium.'

'Judge Mental.'

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

"The charge is loitering, your honor."

"I get that quite a bit. Actually, I'm a lawyer."

'I'm in for burglarizing a store, but I got a reduced sentence because I only stole sale items.'

'Could you recommend a fruit that works for lawyers?'

'What could I have done? The defence's motion was written on legal tender.'

'Do you mean LAWYER?'

'I believe it's 'feed a fever and starve a lawyer.''

'As to bond - while I personally have faith in your client the court cannot ignore the obvious risk of flight.'

'I'd like to have my name legally changed to 'Dot Com.''

'The prisons are overcrowded, so why don't you just drop and give me fifty push-ups?'

'No kidding? You don't wear anything underneath either?'

"See, there it is.Thou shalt not bake cakes for gay couples."

"My client can't help his verbal obfuscation. He's suffering from straightforwardness dysfunctionality."

"But before we begin, this from legal, 'Be careful what you wish for.'"

'Me, I'm here for perjury: I said I couldn't remember while under oath...'

"Your honor, I'd like to request a new defense attorney!"

"Now, if something happens to your marriage, do you want do-not resuscitate?"

"Sentencing...my gut feeling is disembowelment...but my head says decapitation."

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

'I'm only doing pro-bono cases until I can find some well-paying anti-bono cases.'

'Let's be fair about this, Your Honor -- how can the plaintiff be an objective witness if my client shot him?'