Legal Defense Gifts

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

'So what's your recommendation? I suggest a tunnel.'

'I'll take your case since every defendant is guaranteed a fair trial provided you don't try to use my office as a hideout.'

'Have you ever been arrested? No. I've never been caught .'

Now leaving designated Free Speech Zone. Shut it!

Ban on Free Speech

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

Patent Attorney (invisible man)

"Bailiff."

"How come you always take Amnesty International's side?"

"Do you have a good attorney or a bad attorney?"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Mr. McMurdo has been called 'guilty as the day is long.' And yet, do not biblical scholars tell us a day can mean many things?"

'Wow! I never before saw such a strenuous objection.'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

"I've learned something in this trial. My firm needs to hire that prosecutor."

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"Lights! Camera! Justice!"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

'We will not be disarmed by gun control! We will not be stripped naked and left at the mercy of a tyrannical government!'

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

Justice 4 Ron

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."

The Birth of a Lawsuit

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"They're class action figures."

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

"Better that a hundred guilty men go free than one innocent man be convicted, right?"

'Why is it always about me?'