Defense Lawyer Gifts

"I'll work on the appeal. You try to escape."

"Melanie, find me a little pro-bono case to cleanse my palate."

Closing arguments.

'My client pleads not guilty by reason of still being in denial.'

"And today if the prosecutor says 'Liar, liar, pants on fire,' do not turn around to check."

'Have you found a precedent? Yes, you did the same crime in 1974.'

"Your honor, this photo is not my client's footprints in the mountain snow. This is a belly button full of lint because the officer had his body camera on backwards."

"I know he cheated on me because of his childhood abuse, but I shot him because of mine."

"Keep your answers short and don't get defensive. That's my job."

'Yes, I can defend you, but we may have a tough time selecting a jury of your peers.'

'I assume that's a 'not guilty' plea?'

'You didn't 'win' anything, just declared not guilty.'

"But if I take the fifth, wouldn't that be admitting I robbed the liquor store?"

'The good news is, I got you the best lawyer money can buy. The bad news is, I used up the loot to pay him.'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"First, we discuss my percentage of any water you find, real or imagined."

"Your Honor, that's alleged murder hornet. My client is insect until proven guilty!"

"Mr. McMurdo has been called 'guilty as the day is long.' And yet, do not biblical scholars tell us a day can mean many things?"

"With all due respect, you say, 'habitual,' I say 'admirably persistent!'"

"My defense? The bank's money was crowdfunding me."

"Defence counsel, we can start the trial as soon as you and the defendant are ready."

R. H. Gross - Criminal Law

"Oh sure, some random monster runs amok through the village, and the first person you pull in for questioning is my client!"

"You are hereby sentenced to one year of swimming with the people."

"As his nanny she would have known about his diabetes and et she gave him spoonfuls, yes spoonfuls, of sugar."

"Once again, I simply don't recall."

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."

"I object."

"Time goes so fast - it seems like only yesterday I was fending of innuendo."

'My husband's a criminal lawyer...'

"If you're going to plead insanity I don't want you dressing like me."

"Don't be shocked during the trial. The security camera adds ten pounds."

Great with juries

"I don't want a jury of my peers – I want a jury of my cronies."

"I don't just defend the accused -- I ensure the integrity of the legal system, despite knowing you're all guilty as hell."