Left-handed Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"I'm left handed. Do you have any left handed phones?"

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

Trappist Monk Discord

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'What does it say, Dad?'

HELLth Food Sprouts

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

Crime in bookshop

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Men Working Things Out

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Clone Factory

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'