Alternative Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'Not another one with scruffy jeans and trainers!?'

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

Murder in Apartment 6-K

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

Boomerang cow.

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

Moses unblocking the toilet.

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'I'm afraid I'll fall and no one will hear me.'

"I suppose you think that's funny."

"Aaaaugh! It's the Zombie Alpacalypse!"

Crime in bookshop

Men Working Things Out

Franz Kafka

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

'Notice the nice safety feature...crash-proof bumpers!'

"Wow! Check out the moon."

Internet Shoplifting

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

'It takes all day to eat it.'

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

Expensive health care

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

Spam.

"I had them sharpened so I can eat cows."

"I'm used to embellished resumes, but claiming you can herd cats is a bit far fetched..."

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."