Alternative Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'Not another one with scruffy jeans and trainers!?'

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

Murder in Apartment 6-K

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

Boomerang cow.

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'I'm afraid I'll fall and no one will hear me.'

Crime in bookshop

"Aaaaugh! It's the Zombie Alpacalypse!"

"I suppose you think that's funny."

Men Working Things Out

Franz Kafka

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Wow! Check out the moon."

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

'Notice the nice safety feature...crash-proof bumpers!'

'Remember, repeated failure... is no guarantee of eventual success!'

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

'It takes all day to eat it.'

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"You're a bureaucrat, Ed. What do you mean you hate paperwork?"

Internet Shoplifting

'Money can't buy happiness, Sims, so instead of a raise, I'm giving you a bottle of prozac.'

"and what are you giving up for lent, Reverend?" "Religion"

"Dear Author: Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to reject your work."

'Young lady, stop talking to your dad in such a disrespectful way! After all he's a man with degrees and can fill in his unemployment benefit application in five different languages!'

"I had them sharpened so I can eat cows."

Spam.

"I'm used to embellished resumes, but claiming you can herd cats is a bit far fetched..."

Expensive health care

Jimmy Mussolini With "Leon""Precious I cannot be. One more allusion to Gilgamesh and I'll trash out. I make mistakes, just like you, every day. This may be one of them. I'll take the money and walk."