Laughaholic Gifts

Seinfeld.

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

King and Jester

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Once again you have exceeded my expectations.'

'I see we've got some techies in tonight.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

Pie chart of pub conversations

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"Hmm, well, I wouldn't worry too much. This condition is very common in your profession."

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Amy Schumer

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

Shouting

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

The laugh track refuses to work, but I can't see the problem."

'What have I told you about laughing on purpose, Mother?'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

Life is better with a laugh track and graphics.