Late-night Television Gifts

"My technique for convincing mom of anything is based entirely on infomercials."

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

"That concludes our broadcast day. Go to bed."

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

'Because it was there, Dave, because it was there.'

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

'Time for my favorite soap opera, Nine Lives to Live.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"It's only insomnia if there's nothing good on."

'I don't leave until I've heard all 25 songs.'

Mouse shopping after hours

'Turn me back into a lovely assistant right now Martin.'

After hours TV.

'Ready, steady, Operate'

'You're not calling the Help Desk again, are you?'

"Come on, Baldo...get up. It's twenty to eleven."

The Cat that Ate the Canary, 3 a.m.

'I promised my Dad I'd be home by ten but I didn't say if that was P.M. or A.M..'

'Why do they call them 'soaps'? All they do is dig up dirt.'

"Do you suppose I could enjoy 'Dynasty' without listening to an hour of suspender-snapping?"

'Dracula watches his first late night horror show.'

"Henry is addicted to all of the Court programs."

"Boy o boy, there's really nothing worth watching on TV late at night..."

"The trouble with this town is there is no day life."

"Mijo, just do what you always do before you write a paper...it's obviously working!"

'Ahmadinejad strikes me as the kind of man Jay Leno makes jokes about...'

"I know a lot of people will say, 'Oh, no—not another book about cats.'"

"He loves watching daytime shows where people throw a lot of hissy fits."

"Are the kids asleep?"