Last-minute Gift Giver Pillows

'My wife's birthday always seems to be the day after she reminds me...'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

The end of summer is near and you still haven't made plans

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"Gift"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

Football heads...

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

'My whole life, I've felt like I've been running from something...'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

WC problem.

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

"...now she's up tp a jumper a week."

'They think I can walk on water.'

'Well, so much for climbing all the way up here to ask him about the meaning of life.'

'Sure - They're still chocolates. It's just that the liver-shaped box was cheaper than the heart-shaped one.'

Masky Christmas!