Last-minute Gift Giver Gifts

'My wife's birthday always seems to be the day after she reminds me...'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

The end of summer is near and you still haven't made plans

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"Gift"

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

"I'll fill it with Play Doh and no one will ever know the difference."

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

Football heads...

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

'My whole life, I've felt like I've been running from something...'

"Yeah, I'm out on bail: The judge laughed when he said I was not a flight risk..."

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

WC problem.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

"This locket contains my very first username and password."

Knowing that Roger loathed the new cat, Janelle tried to win him over by knitting him a pair of boxers made out of fur balls.

'I did say we were going to give you transport...I didn't say what sort!'

"...now she's up tp a jumper a week."

Adrenaline is flowing down there with lots of last-minute, panicked Christmas shoppers! The DNA is frantically looking for heirlooms that'll be passed on in succeeding generations. It seems no price is too high for the helium atom - it's buying everything! Meanwhile, the neutron can't charge and hasn't been able to buy a single gift! Tempers are getting short! A big nerve angered other shoppers by blatantly cutting in the checkout line! And there's a quarrel over a parking spot with a whit

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

Masky Christmas!