Labeling Gifts

Let's get organized

A house is full of signs directing where things are stored.

The Dorrie Decimal System

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

CATCHY NAME

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

"I know I said you could retitle your office, but..."

'The trick is to label straight away, otherwise I forget what I have in my larder...'

"Oh darn, there it is right there: side effects may include squid head."

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'Now with 30% less crap you can't even pronounce!'

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

Chiantis In Translation

"Boneless, gluten free, vegan, grass fed, free range, bananas."

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

'Orange juice from 100% carrots'

Lack of Nutrition Information

'What were you saying a minute ago, about not being able to judge a wine by its label?'

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

"This stuff comes with a prize! If you can pronounce all the ingredients, you get an honorary degree in chemistry."

Truth in Labeling: 'Snouts, lips, jowls, cheeks and viscera enclosed in intestine and served on a bun, Mustard optional.'

Health food and junk food

"Artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, artificial glop, artificial slop, artificial this, artificial that..."

"It says all the chemical ingredients in this food were made by organic, free fange scientists."

'Do you remember when food had food in it?'

'The first dozen ingredients in this cereal are various sugars.'

Food Formerly Sold As Milk/Food Formerly Made with Sugar/Food Formerly Known as Meat/Food Former Fried.

Gonzo Marketing - batteries not included in batteries.

"Good morning, Mrs. Kiley."

"Label says it's organic. That just means it's made in the State of Organ."

"I read all package labels for my health. Now my eyes are shot!"

Man reading dog food can: Contains beef and beef by-products.