Kitchen Mishap Survivor Gifts

'May I have your attention! I dropped my car keys in the soup, if you find them, please return them. They're my only set.'

"How am I going to explain this to the accident compensation board?"

'Ow! I tore something in my elbow, when I pulled out the cork. I thought red wine was supposed to be good for you.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

Snow & Flo series: Questionable cooking.

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'My hero!'

'We've finished the dishes, Miss. Jenny washes, I wiped, and Susan picked up all the pieces.'

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"You've actually done something even Gordon Ramsay can't do-burn the salad!"

"Maybe we were wrong to hire him just because he looks good in paper."

"Oh, very funny. If you don't like my cooking just say so!"

"He cooks under the guidance of a smoke alarm."

"Do you mind if your soup is a bit crunchy?"

Dave's How to Puke Book.

"There's something wrong with your dinner."

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

Chinese restaurant: In case of emergency break glass (Knife and fork).

"I never use the oven timer. The smoke alarms are louder."

"Oh my god- the salad's on fire!"

'Call an emergency church supper! The freezer's gone out!'

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

"There's been an accident in the kitchen." "I know, I've just eaten it."

"Your dinner will be later than expected, but how much later depends on where you go for it."

'That must be a television FIRST - Jamie Oliver burning the roast!'

'That new recipe didn't quite work out. Do you fancy popping down to the chippy?'

Setting fire to the Christmas Pud.

"Is this dinner or the effects of global warming?"

"Could Doctor see him now-I have the dinner to cook."

'What d'you mean,Doris-you,ve burnt OUR dinner,and hers NEXT door,and hers NEXT door again and...?'

Punch Initials - T

"Apparently after your fifth bout of food poisoning they suggest you take one home."