Kids' Humorist Gifts

'Think of it as a valentine, not a heart transplant.'

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

The cell phone soother for life.

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"If a third grader knows the answer, how much of a problem can it really be?"

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

Boy bringing home an octopus in a fish bowl.

"So, what's gonna be your favorite class?"

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

'Right, who threw that?' (giant pupil in class).

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"I lost my taste for his homework when it came burned on a CD."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"I flunked out of cooking school. Even the dog won't eat my homework."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

'School was really exciting today -- they busted up a meth lab in chemistry class.'

"Some school - They teach us about the Fifth Amendment, but they won't let us use it on TESTS!"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

Monitor lizard becomes milk monitor.

"A simple note from your mother would have sufficed, Tommy."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

'Ms. Blumter, please get me a copy of Educational Leadership for Dummies.'

"I DO have a note from my doctor...but nobody can read it!"