Humorist With Kids Gifts

The cell phone soother for life.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie