Humorist With Kids Gifts

The cell phone soother for life.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"Have you seen my dad?"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"