Family Gathering Humorist Gifts

'Shh … I guess it's a macho thing, but just don't mention the accident with little Jimmy's model airplane.'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

The cell phone soother for life.

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

Growth Charts

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"Okay, you can keep 'em, but if they grow any bigger, they'll have to sleep in the kitchen."

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"