Family Dinner Humorist Gifts

Uncle Ned passed on mashed potatoes only once in his life.

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

Judge, jury and executioner.

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

'Hey Dad, Mom's got a new hobby...still life painting...er, Dad?'

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'