Comedian Of Family Gatherings Gifts

"Stop sulking. . . the picnic is not ruined just because my aunts showed up!"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

Growth Charts

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."