Kid Comedian Pillows

'Reflexes Normal.'

"I'm going to be an activist when I grow up."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"If a third grader knows the answer, how much of a problem can it really be?"

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Harry Potter learns some 'new tricks' on his first day enrolled in a public school.

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"Have you been eating the paste again, Todd?"

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Boy bringing home an octopus in a fish bowl.

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Graph Your Relatives!

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

Growth Charts

One of the Three Little Pigs reaches puberty.

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'Rock.' - 'Paper.' - 'Boris.'

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"I finally cleaned my room. You don't think she'll look in the yard, do you?"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"

"Okay, you can keep 'em, but if they grow any bigger, they'll have to sleep in the kitchen."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"