Judo Jokester Pillows

Karate.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'Gravity...Go figure!'

"Bed Spread"

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"I hate this time of year."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Arrogant junior barrister

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

Justice

"Your honor, I intend to put the system on trial."

'...In an attempt to speed up our backlog of cases we've computerized the scales of justice.'

"What did I tell you about practicing on the cat?"

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

Mel Hoffman - Attorney TO the stars.

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Martial Arts

"I'm a writer/painter/filmmaker/poet/actor/comedian, manic-depressive goes without saying."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

Cleaning the Horse

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

"No, go ahead. I enjoy good gossipy hearsay."

'I warned you counselor, no more tricks.'