Judicial Commentary Gifts

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Yes, one is a dog."

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"No - you’re right. It’s dumb."

Armageddon

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

Can't even hold signs well.