Courtroom Commentator Gifts

"I interpret the death penalty according to the times."

Supine Court

SCOTUS Credibility

You have been found guilty of being young, drunk and stupid...

'A person has to eat. Right, Judge?'

'I had a rogue prosecutor, judge, jury and appellate court.'

"Oh I never lose any sleep over my criminal cases. I figure that even if I lose, I'm not the one going to jail."

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

"No, of course there isn't, 'one law for the rich and another for the poor'... There's no law for the poor."

'So Captain Ahab, I put it to you that you were deliberately stalking my client!'

'I got an alleged C on my criminal law test.'

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Just for the heck of it, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

"Bailiff."

Junior barrister prompting a deaf and testy chief

"You can't plead cute."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"#notguilty."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

'This court finds you guilty Mr. Jones. As your punishment, the bailiff here will slug you one.'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Gimme a 'D'! Gimme an 'N'! Gimme an 'A'!"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

"Have you, or any of your acquaintances, ever been described as 'frolicsome'?"

'Your Honor, in order to avoid being sued, we find the defendant 'Not guilty.''

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

"Never mind what I did, Your Honor. I want to be judged for who I am, as an individual."

"Not guilty?"

'I'd like to go back to law school and pay attention this time.'

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"And finally, I implore the jury not to take my clients lack of alibi and blatant lies out of context."

"I must protest, M'Lud. Prosecurity counsel is blantantly attempting to wheedle the truth from the accused."

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'