Jovial Elders Gifts

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

Pie chart of pub conversations

'Well, I can't find anything in the rule book about it.'

"What the... an apple?! Hey, I can make schnapps out of it and if you've had plenty of it, gravity pulls you to the ground!"

Celebration in operating theatre.

Your dad is a union man, isn't he?

"Attention, everyone! Here comes Poppa, and we're going to drive dull care away! It's quips and cranks and wanton wiles, nods and becks and wreathed smiles."

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

'Don't worry, fifty something is the new thirty something.'

'I'm so relieved Doc: It would have been a tragedy if he had had a peanut allergy...'

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

'My opinion, right or wrong!'

"So, is it like a foursome then, miss?"

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

Going Shopping Together.

"Tell me more about these abandonment issues."

To an observer approaching the speed of light, Einstein and his surroundings appear to be tall and thin.

Do you know what girls want?

'Dear Customer - Due to economic cutbacks, this year we have produced a 'Round Robin' Christmas Card...'

'You called for tech support?'

"I'm really glad that we're in this together."

Technically Speaking

Bill's alarm clocks were going off early today.

'Good news. Even though you've been spending way beyond your means, the IMF is giving you a bailout. It seems you're too big to fail.'

'I grew up in the drug culture but now I get the same effect by standing up too fast.'

'I can't explain it, but somehow, when I walk past here, I feel strangely insecure.'

'Your horse is sure to win now that he's got rid of that little man on his back.'

"Time to blow out the candles. Take a deep breath....Ok. Let's try something easier. Take a shallow, raspy breath."

'Now hook him in the lip and give it a yank'