Jovial Nurses Gifts

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"What the... an apple?! Hey, I can make schnapps out of it and if you've had plenty of it, gravity pulls you to the ground!"

Celebration in operating theatre.

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"Don't worry, I won't hold my age against you."

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

"No raise, but the boss did give me a 'God Boy' and a treat."

"It's important to learn numbers. Then you can have a pin number and get money from ATMs."

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

"So, is it like a foursome then, miss?"

"Wait a minute, that's my bar code" Product Identity Theft

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

"Tell me more about these abandonment issues."

'In the event you suffer from Montezuma's Revenge, there's a TV in every bathroom.'

hoovering husband

'You called for tech support?'

'Dear Customer - Due to economic cutbacks, this year we have produced a 'Round Robin' Christmas Card...'

Technically Speaking

"Doctor! This is not the time for the 'pull my finger' gag!"

"If you're going to the bank, would you bring me something?"

'Good news. Even though you've been spending way beyond your means, the IMF is giving you a bailout. It seems you're too big to fail.'

'I can't explain it, but somehow, when I walk past here, I feel strangely insecure.'

"Time to blow out the candles. Take a deep breath....Ok. Let's try something easier. Take a shallow, raspy breath."

"Age, nothing - I'd be satisfied to play my weight"

'When I said address the ball I didn't mean like that!'