Jovial Banker Gifts

"If you're going to the bank, would you bring me something?"

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

"You really clean up on these mileage deductions, don't you."

Complaints Desk

'You may well have eaten fresher fish before but not in this restaurant. . .'

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Death Photobombs a Holiday

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

'I'm not as think as you drunk I am.'

'Your smile came in a distant third.'

"Don't worry, I won't hold my age against you."

"My assets consist of a piggy bank, 2 teeth for the tooth fairy, and whatever change I find in the living room sofa."

"Growing old is not the problem... it's not being rich that's the problem."

"Look - the FIRST EVER picture of a black hole!! What do you think?"

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

'You said we can grow our own food. So, where's the hot dog seeds.'

"No raise, but the boss did give me a 'God Boy' and a treat."

'You've handled your allowance responsibly for three years so we're cutting it by three percent and requiring you to pay a share of your health care expenses.'

"Wait a minute, that's my bar code" Product Identity Theft

Learn to Laugh at Yourself

"Watkins would like to know if he can leave a few minutes early...he claims he's dying."

'You don't need to worry about your records being sold to the highest bidder...they'll bugger it and sell them off cheap!'

'Every year was the same. There was always some clown or comedian in Brian's intake of pupils.'

"Oh my....Look how much you've grown."

'Apparently he does 20 yards to the pint.'

Ad agency

'Rudolf?'

hoovering husband

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

'Oops! I should've gone to the bathroom before I came.'

Men discussing thier weight