Journal Joker Gifts

Dear Diary, The bad news is that somebody around here jimmied open your lock and read your contents. The good news is that the contents are mainly fictional. The sound in the backyard of picks and shovels and a mad search for buried treasure is music to my ears.

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

Get crazy once in a while

"Damn those dugout Martinis!"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

"It started with a simple case of peer-review."

Well... Tis the season to be jolly!

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'Want to freak her out? Stare over her shoulder without blinking for 10 minutes.'

"Objection, your honor, my client's feelings are being hurt."

Golfer wears 'How's my driving?' t-shirt.

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

Santa's Helpers

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

"It's not carrots but the love of carrots that's the root of all evil."

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

'Come on inspector, you call this fair?'

PARALEGAL, 'Hi -- I'm a paracriminal.'

"The spare sack? After a million warm beers and pieces of fruit cake...you'd have a spare sack too!"

"Out, damn'd Spot, out I say! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

'I taught him to shake hands, but I don't know where he got the joybuzzer!'

Complaints Desk

Death Photobombs a Holiday

Today's alpha-lesson is "Keep a journal." The average person lets life pass them by. The events of their lives fade into nothingness. An alpha knows that long after they're gone, their thoughts and experiences will be of great interest to historians. That's not an original thought. I read it in the papyrus Randus Maximus XIV left in a safe deposit box after he helped conquer Judea.

"Repeat after me..."

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

Dermatology: Journal of Itchcraft.

'How do I know if you've been naughty or nice? CCTV!!'

'The most moving part, for me, is when they explain how to fuse the main pipe to the power hose.'

"'Disability benefits' they said... Not while there are perfectly good jobs as traffic cones to be had!"

'Sorry...you're not quite right for the position.'

Bill Barr kicks Lady Justice