Joking Journeyman Gifts

"How about a discount for the little lady, pal, as your way of saying thanks for the bailout?"

'Did you mark the place we caught those fish last year? Yes, I put a cross on the side of the boat.' - 'You fool. We might get a different boat this time.'

"Look, if I had all the answers, would I be living alone on the top of a mountain?"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"I hate this time of year."

You make me feel more like a veterinarian than a psychiatrist, Al. Why is that, Dr. Kapuchnik? Because you're one sick puppy.

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

''Born again'? -- but I was just born five years ago!'

"As slim as your chances are for salvation, it's nice to see you keep trying."

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

Cleaning the Horse

Farts.

"I guess I always wanted to be an electrician. As a little boy, I ran away to join the circuits."

"You know that on-line romance you've been carryin' on? Well this here's Samantha!"

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

'I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I was in court, delivering my final arguments in a pesky little environmental case, and I actually felt my conscience leave my body!'

'Is he taking the piss?'

'It's chaps like you who are the backbone of these expeditions,Fanshaw.'

'No, I haven't taken up jogging...A velociprator was after me!'

'I ran the mile in two minutes. I took a short cut.'

'One second - wo seconds - three seconds - four seconds -one hour...'

"What a listener. My burden feels lighter already."

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

Me, Alice and God

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

"He's the guy I'm interested in. He's just not the kind of guy I'm interested in."

Speed enforced by really slow walkers.

'I want to tap into my higher self.'

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

'What makes you so sure this is good for my health?'

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

'Saint Francis changes his mind about animals'

You won't get seasick if you focus on something far away. Good --- I'll think about the federal budget being balanced.

Pamplona bull instructions - Running with the Idiots.