Job Seeker Extraordinaire Gifts

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

Caged Businessman

'I must say, your resume is the finest piece of creative fiction to ever cross my desk.'

Try to relax.

"I never finished my online degree because the internet connection is really spotty in my parents' basement."

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

'Impressive résumé. Any character references, mom?'

'Would you cart to explain this three page gap in your resume?'

'Our computer thinks you should move to Sweden and try to get on public assistance.'

'This is a very impressive resume. Did you pad it yourself.'

'Impressive resume. Any problem with relocating?'

'I´m sorry, but I cannot show you the job description yet. We don´t want to lose you, even before you sign the contract.'

'...and if it makes any difference, like I'm not married to the ponytail..'

We'd like you to bring your birth certificate, your CV, any references and a sample of your DNA.

"Last question...where do you see yourself in 30 minutes? Because I'm calling you a cab."

Welcome to the job market

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"You've got the job, when can you start work?"

'This test will determinbe which of you gets the position. Who wants to jump first?'

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'Do you have an appointment?'

'Are you handy?'

'Well, I am only human!' (Human Resources)

"Do you mind if I use your phone to tell all my friends I got the job?"

Auditioner auditions.

'Any awards or honors?'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"A home-schooling Ph.D.? That sounds a little fishy to me."

Well, you're in luck! Even though you're totally overqualified for the job, that's balanced by all the horrible things your references said about you.

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"We're still negotiating. I want a six-figure starting salary and they don't want to hire me."

Personnel Office. Very impressive resume, but of course we'll need to verify this experience you say you have.

Branch Manager Interviews: "Who's next?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."