Job Hunter Extraordinaire Gifts

Job centre - casual jobs; rotten, insecure low-paid jobs;dull, boring, repetitive jobs; Jobs that no-one in their right mind would consider.

Dang! They're always out of 'handsome and brilliant neurosurgeon!'

"Well, you're the least experienced candidate, but you're the only one who understands social media. Congratulations, the job is yours."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"Qualifications? Hello! I've only spent the last six years running a huge multinational ferris wheel."

"OK, OK, you got in to see me. I'll read your resume!"

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'I've met some tough interview boards in my time...!'

Employment demands

"Aha! A rare sighting of the employed graduate."

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

"It was just your idiot brother asking if he could put me down as a reference."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

Caged Businessman

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

"This is one of those great jobs you'd be willing to do for free. Will you do it for free?"