Job Applicant Extraordinaire Gifts

"Well, this is a very impressive resume, young man. I think you're going to make a fine patient."

Profit

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

Caged Businessman

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

"I'm going to send you to someone who's more familiar with the law of the jungle."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

'I think and work spectacularly well either inside or outside the box.'

'Sorry - The position has already been filled."

"I take it this is your first interview since the start of lockdown?"

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

"You would be perfect if you weren't you!"

'Now let me explain our retirement plan.'

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

'Vicious, intelligent and ruthless? Certainly. But I think my biggest asset is that I'm a survivor!'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

Never ending to do list

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

"I'm afraid we have very little in the salary range you're accustomed to."

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"I have had three work-related heart attacks, witch shows you that I care about my job."

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."