Job Security Gifts

No-one ever leaves Goldman Sachs voluntarily

"Quit complaining. In these times, most people would be happy to have your job security."

'Times are tough, Smith, but I don't want to lay you off. So, to keep you working, I want you to wash our building. That should keep you busy for the next decade.'

'I can't be fired - I'm the only one who knows all the company's computer passwords.'

'Don't look at it as being stuck in the same job year after year... think of it as tenure.'

"If it weren't for the illusion of security, the health plan, the pay, the friendships. . . I'd leave this stupid company!"

'But Tom, you AREN'T being marginalized. You're being fired. There's a difference.'

'If you keep convincing people at work that you are irreplaceable, how can you ever be promoted?'

"They always give us minimum-wage, part-time guys the riskiest jobs."

"Your job is safe - at least until you're too old to be hired for another job but not so old that you can retire."

I've left your pin on the map, but I've loosened it.

'I discovered just as much work gets done when you're not there.'

'The only people with a job for life are undertakers and traffic cone manufacturers!'

'You were thinking about a raise, Hargraes? How interesting. I was just thinking about firing you!'

'How long have I worked here? Since the day they threatened to fire me.'

"I'm afraid this is one fire we may not be able to put out!"

No matter how many mistakes you make, they never sack you!

Career counselor: 'If you want a great job, that won't be exported, get into politics.'

'We think a lot alike - and that threatens my uniqueness to this company.'

Right where I want them...

'You were fired after 25 years of hard and reliable work? Wow... I bet now you know how it feels to be treated like a dog!'

'Of course I'd never fire you, Nelson. You've been working here for such a long time, you've become part of the furmiture!'

"He's got tenure! Life is good!"

"You can't cut my head off! -- I have tenure!"

"Where would you be without the union? Unemployed!"

"Redundancies are expected at the sewage plant as you know...I'm sorry Trevor...you are going to have to stay."

"I'm at that sweet spot in my career...right between 'young and underpaid' and 'old and too expensive.'"

"Now I don't want to alarm you, but are you familiar with the term 'On the scrapheap'!"

Get Well Soon and Hurry Back to the Office. . . Before Sharks Eat Your Job

Redundancies

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

"Ruddy AI. Bad enough to be replaced by a computer, never mind a COFFEE MAKER."

'You want to discuss your future...what future?'

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

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