Job Hunting Philosopher Gifts

We've been going about this the wrong way -- Instead of jobs, we should be looking for job openings.

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

Good Luck!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Motivation to work

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"Look at them smiling. They've reached their comfort zone."

How are you at decision making?

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'I just don't feel I'm getting anywhere.'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'Think of this as a window of opportunity.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'