Job Application Artist Gifts

"Brilliant cover letter, lousy résumé."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"I would like a tube of lemon yellow, cadmium red, cobalt blue, ivory, black, and zinc white, a sixteen-by-twenty canvas, a couple of brushes, and that book 'Painting in Oils'."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Curious how all four previous employers spelt 'exceptional' with just an 'x'.'

"OK, you're good and just the guy we need in security."

'I'm also fluent in Geek.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I'm gonna be a 'New Yorker' cartoonist. You're not supposed to understand it."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

'Impressive resume, We'll verify it through Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and get back to you,'

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'