Jesting Historian Pillows

Private View.

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

'Don't look at me like that! You're the one who wanted to live in a bouncy castle!'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

Books / Coffee table books

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

Cave lady about cave boy with big rolling stone: 'Here comes Junior with his report card.'

"You're making a complete ass of yourself, Rodney!"

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

To sleep, perchance to wake up as a different person.

"Yuck! Som'one left their nose in this book!"

Poet's Corner

'All right, who's been sitting on the copier again?'

"Would you be upset if we marked it as humor?"

Watch the author miss his deadline 4 to 7

Colonel Bagshot.

'Ah, Gibbon. Are you learning anything?'

Vendor is the knight: knight sells hotdogs.

…You're looking for the Harry who books?… Liz is officially out of the race for "librarian of the year"…

'Today's homily is on irreverence.'

'I did our branch of the family tree. Turns out we're birch and northern pine.'

Sat Nativ.

"Come on Frank. I didn't mean to catch a bigger fish than you."

'Ha, ha! -- Neanderthals can't jump!'

"So Jesus, do you prefer Methodist or Lutheran?"

'Let's give him a good scare by all playing dead.'

'Sir, I suggest we analyze our current cash flow situation in light of the obvious thematic parallels it has with several classic short stories!'

At the international middle-weight dissing championships.

"I feel I no longer entertain the king. If I truly want his attention, I should join his tech-support team."