Jesting Historian Gifts

Private View.

'My reading comprehension is so-so, but I do make up for it with my highlighting skills.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

'Throw me back and I'll tell you where a 12-pounder is hiding.'

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

Books / Coffee table books

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"You're making a complete ass of yourself, Rodney!"

Cave lady about cave boy with big rolling stone: 'Here comes Junior with his report card.'

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

"Yuck! Som'one left their nose in this book!"

Poet's Corner

"Would you be upset if we marked it as humor?"

Watch the author miss his deadline 4 to 7

'All right, who's been sitting on the copier again?'

'Ah, Gibbon. Are you learning anything?'

Colonel Bagshot.

Vendor is the knight: knight sells hotdogs.

'Today's homily is on irreverence.'

Sat Nativ.

"Come on Frank. I didn't mean to catch a bigger fish than you."

'Let's give him a good scare by all playing dead.'

"So Jesus, do you prefer Methodist or Lutheran?"

'Ha, ha! -- Neanderthals can't jump!'

'Sir, I suggest we analyze our current cash flow situation in light of the obvious thematic parallels it has with several classic short stories!'

At the international middle-weight dissing championships.

"Papa!"

"How should I know if this the book I'm supposed to return if I haven't even read it?"