Jealous Jesters Gifts

'How about hitting my wife's new boyfriend?'

'The good teen-age mime chooses to study for an exam, while the bad one chooses to steal hubcaps.'

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

You make me feel more like a veterinarian than a psychiatrist, Al. Why is that, Dr. Kapuchnik? Because you're one sick puppy.

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

Fishing Contest

Pumping up wig in blender.

'Be careful. The plate is hot!'

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

'He said his first buzz word today!'

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

Steinbeck - stuck on the title page (Grapes of Wrath).

'Is he taking the piss?'

"Got outta jury duty!"

'He's training for a career in law.'

"I know it's a really big church, but Goliath was the bad one."

Tercentary of Shakespeare's Birth

"So...are you still saving up to buy a 1964 Chevy Impala now that Joey has one?"

'It certainly is a big one!'

"She's cute, but she's eroding my power base."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Chris Matthews'

'...But in case God misses something...'

Look, Mom! He dropped this! He must be just like me, always coming home with just one mitten!

'Don't mind him. He's just an 'X' who's jealous of 'U'.'

Upstaging the Dog

'Hit me in the head with a sledgehammer.'

'Now I'm getting those 'Psychic Pal' commercials when I dream!'

USBULA United States Bureau of Unnecessarily Long Acronyms

"Oh he's just lucky, and a robot."

'Raymond's an anarchist couch potato.'

Bad Reads

'Do you have a plan B if you can't find work as a frivolous suit litigator?'

No, I'm not asking you to declare the witness hostile, you honor. Can you just declare him