Jealous Jesters Pillows

'How about hitting my wife's new boyfriend?'

'The good teen-age mime chooses to study for an exam, while the bad one chooses to steal hubcaps.'

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

Fishing Contest

'I understand yours is a highly coveted position in this company.'

Pumping up wig in blender.

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

'Be careful. The plate is hot!'

'He said his first buzz word today!'

"Perhaps this will refresh your memory."

Steinbeck - stuck on the title page (Grapes of Wrath).

"Got outta jury duty!"

'He's training for a career in law.'

Tercentary of Shakespeare's Birth

"I know it's a really big church, but Goliath was the bad one."

'It certainly is a big one!'

"She's cute, but she's eroding my power base."

'...But in case God misses something...'

Upstaging the Dog

'Hit me in the head with a sledgehammer.'

'Now I'm getting those 'Psychic Pal' commercials when I dream!'

'Don't mind him. He's just an 'X' who's jealous of 'U'.'

USBULA United States Bureau of Unnecessarily Long Acronyms

"Oh he's just lucky, and a robot."

'Raymond's an anarchist couch potato.'

Bad Reads

'Do you have a plan B if you can't find work as a frivolous suit litigator?'

"Thank goodness I convinced them to put this playground outside of the courthouse. Now it feels like recess."