Jealousy Jokester Pillows

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

"Oh he's just lucky, and a robot."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'Gravity...Go figure!'

"Snow White swears by these 10 products for flawless beauty."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

Fleas Navidad.

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Merry Christmas"

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Men dancing

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Elf of the Month

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Cleaning the Horse

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'